When either of the girls are ill, I move through a natural process of shutting down. Cancelling activities and catch ups, closing the house in, lighting oil burners, dripping droplets of herbs into little mouths. Touching foreheads, [attempting] to sooth angry sick tears.
The last few days however, it has been me who has been sick. Uncharacteristically sick. Nausea, dizziness, aching bones and utter, total and absolute exhaustion. I have had to remind myself to give myself the same care as I would one of the other members of my family. But I have found it almost intolerable. When I needed help yesterday to get out of the bath and dry myself, I felt so annoyed. I have things to do! A day wasted! A wash that didn’t get put on! Homemade pizzas turned into cheese toasties! A rabbit’s hutch that did not get cleaned out and my list abandoned! More importantly, frustrated that it’s school holidays and time as a family goes down the drain while I’m lolling around in bed.
Today I’m feeling much better, but still weak and to be honest, quite depressed. My appetite has come back a little and I have ventured out of the bedroom. I have tried to remind myself that on a normal day I would kill to lie around and watch trashy shows in bed, stay in my pj’s all day and close my eyes when the urge arose.
So, dear readers, I need to resign from the battle of time. Fighting each hour and each day that goes by that I don’t do something useful. Before I got sick I was fighting a market deadline then my Birdie’s birthday, an occasion that was full of joy, however the entire week leading up to it was much less than joyful due to all the self-imposed deadlines I set myself for what had to be done and how it all had to be. I wonder what would have really happened if I didn’t have the house clean on the day of her birthday, or if I had (heaven forbid) bought the cake…
A gentle reminder to myself and all the other mama’s and papa’s out there, thrashing through lists in the day and up all night with non-sleeping babes: It’s actually
ok to imperative to look after yourself. Take that bath, lie on the couch when you have five minutes. Make a cup of tea. There is always time for tea. Nothing much will happen if you don’t put that wash on. You’ll just have to put two on tomorrow. No biggie.
Hope you’re all well as we transition into a very late Autumn here… or a lovely bountiful Spring elsewhere!